Today I woke up and my old adversary the black dog was barking at the door. My mood was probably not helped by a late night/early morning spent sorting e-mails followed by a fairly traumatic procedure at the dentist. Looking back at my interview for the DigitalCity Fellowship, I feel frightened that they took my vague and hazy dream so seriously; I've called their bluff and now they've called mine and I'm expected to come up with the goods.
Perhaps I could back out now whilst I can still keep face - go back to the well paid job that I hate? I'm sure we could do with the money - Teen1 at Uni, Teen2 has a school exchange trip coming up, Wonderhubby's car needs replacing and I still haven't got a pension to speak of. Not to mention all the domestic matters crying out to be done - you should see all the fluff behind my TV. People like me don't do this sort of thing. I'm the one who fits in with everybody else's organisation; I don't strike out from the crowd.
Later that day I meet Wonderhubby for tea at The Sage, Gateshead before a concert.
Making my way from Newcastle station, I enjoy my walk along the Quayside, over that magnificent icon, The Gateshead Millenium Bridge , much better than anything London has to offer - not that I'm a biased Northerner. Honestly.
Then past the converted flour mill, The Baltic Centre for Contemporary Art :
Stopping on the bridge, I look along the River Tyne to view all those magnificent bridges - always a lift to see them.
At The Sage, we have rather a hot and spicy meal latin themed meal to get us in the mood for the Cuban Roberto Fonseca Band. We are not disappointed with their performance. Accompanied by 3 other fine musicians, Roberto Fonseca's sheer talent and passion as a pianist enthrals us. I saw that same passion 9 years ago when I went to see Northumberland muscian Kathryn Tickell in concert at our local theatre. As she played the Northumbrian pipes with its beautiful haunting and lilting tunes, she radiated such a love for what she was doing that I found myself in tears. I cried because, as I watched her, I realised what was missing from my own life. Despite Wonderhubby, two great kids and a comfortable home, I needed to need and to feel and to want. I needed to reach inside, down to my boots, discover what was in there and pull it all out. And that was the start of the end and of the beginning.
It still took a further 10 months and other events to find the courage to relinquish my 'career' - a role that was years spent fulfilling other people's expectations. Stepping out without a safety net was scary; being a pharmacist might have been a life-sapping, tedious job but it was what I knew - it was secure and comfortable. But a few years down the line I am still here, in the love of my family, not only surviving but looking back and realising that I made a life affirming decision and now as I try to start up my spoken word website, I hope I'm about to make another one.
